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Hypocrisy 2.0 (and Why the NRA is Not Your Enemy)

What happened in Boston totally sucked, but my last editorial described why it happened, so at least we’ve established the rationale. With the 99% clawing their way up to middle management only so the 1% can stay where they are, those aware of their dead-end status and the fact that every year they keep their jobs is a year they lose money might react to the crushing realization that their every effort is being totally undermined by economics in irrational, inappropriate ways that hurt others. They might do this because the rational and appropriate means have been exhausted time and time again, or might be entirely ineffectual. This doesn’t make them right, but at least they’re not muddling along with their heads in the sand, in total denial, the denial that keeps the 99% where they are, working to enrich others and not themselves in any meaningful ways.

I hate terrorists and acts of terrorism, but every revolutionary is a terrorist in 2013. That means if the government likes you and you’re a revolutionary, you get to still be a revolutionary. But if the government hates you and you’re a revolutionary, you’re a terrorist. You might also be a terrorist and not be a revolutionary, too, in which case the government will probably hate you, but not always (refer here to the death squads the CIA trained in El Salvador and Guatemala, such as Mano Blanco).

I hate what happened in Boston because our dumbass leaders can’t come up with a better response to bad shit happening than taking away our rights. Look at all the people in Boston now having their 4th amendment rights royally raped: all they did to arouse reasonable suspicion is…possess a bag of some kind. And how smart is it to be shaking people down (in flagrant violation of THE FUCKING LAW, by the way) after the bombs have already gone off? What is the probability that anyone is being “protected” now that the threat has already passed? This is the TSA riding on the coattails of regression to the mean: “See, we were there to protect you after you were no longer in danger and our efforts worked! We’re the good guys!”

And now California is trying to pass a law saying that no guns can have detachable magazines, and no person can possess a magazine with more than a certain number of bullets, and all gun owners will be background checked, and a number of other totally arcane and idiotic provisions that law enforcement has already said would be of no help. Let me get this straight: as we talk about “amnesty” and “a path to citizenship” for ILLEGAL immigrants and ending the E-Verify system that employers can use to check on employee’s legality, at the same time we’re talking about criminalizing people who own stuff that we arbitrarily decided we no longer like because of fucking Sandy Hook? Democracy is stupid and crazy if the electorate makes capricious decisions like this one. Thank you, Sacramento, for the clear illustration you’re about to make of how a democracy will never be able to rise above the marginalities of its lawmakers.

Fuck you, Adam Lanza. Fuck you, Adam Lanza’s mom, fuck you, Bin Laden, and fuck you, Boston Bomber. Fuck you, imperial Presidents Bush and Obama. Fuck you, comb. Fuck you, brush. Fuck you, bowl full of mush.

Here’s the thing: that idea that if you never do anything wrong you have nothing to worry about from the government (right?) is dead. ‘Cause you bought a clip 10 years ago that holds 15 rounds and didn’t know it would be illegal 10 years later. Ignorance is no excuse. The subtext here is to keep your hobbies so whitebread they never even come close to anything as interesting as firearms, should you never intend to run afoul of the law. Then, once you are boring, all your behaviors can be predicted and all bad shit will have been permanently prevented.

“What can we do to keep this freak, horrible accident from ever happening again?” The same thing we can do to keep everything bad from ever happening, which I’ve said before: entomb everyone in pink slime to harvest their bioelectric energy while letting them hallucinate free will and the Whole World, Matrix-style.

Free will, you see, is our most vexing of all problems. If we didn’t have free will, millions of people in the U.S. would have healthy body weights, hearts, and lungs. Without free will, there would be no addiction. Without free will, no one will ever rob a liquor store, resulting in an innocent bystander getting shot as the store owner tries to score his reparations with the shop shotgun. Without free will, everyone finishes school after earning their Ph.D. and always shows up to work on time. Without free will, every child is raised in a perfect world, by a stay-at-home Stepford Wife, and no one ever misses church on Sundays. Without free will, we could be forced to be delivered by caesarian procedure, thus erasing all traces of the very human fact that we are born between urine and feces.

Right now, you are being domesticated. Right now, the world is being sanitized. Right now, a company is coming up with a “solution” to make everything that is stinky smell great (Febreze). Right now, children are growing up in worlds bereft of bugs and are afraid of getting dirty. Right now there are people who think that because I like to go to the woods and find my own food, I’m somehow a ticking time bomb.

I’m a ticking time bomb for other reasons, not because of my choice of recreation.

I’m a ticking time bomb because I don’t know if I am in service of the Good and the Just anymore. I’m a ticking time bomb because I’m pretty sure the all the people I elected are awful human beings. I’m a ticking time bomb because there is no way to opt out of Big Data in our supposedly “free” country. I’m a ticking time bomb because I know that all the decency and goodness that I try to represent and do in the world is not going to serve the deserving in the end, and thinking I was making a difference used to be why I went on living.

I’m a ticking time bomb because I spent my life working hard and doing the right things always, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it but a broken liver and a nice dog.

But the CEOs of my credit card company and my mutual fund have A LOT to show for their lifetimes of being total assholes.


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