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An Open Letter to the APFA


Dear Association of Professional Flight Attendants:

Maybe if you were nicer to passengers after 9/11 you wouldn’t have to worry about them stabbing you with the pen knives that the TSA has recently re-legalized on airplanes. I’m just saying.

All I know is that before 9/11, you people actually laughed at my jokes. Ever since then whenever I crack a joke on an airplane (even when it’s not about bombs or hijackings), you people threaten to have me arrested, or at least face an uncomfortable harangue with a U.S. Marshall.

Before 9/11, there was no such media term as “unruly passenger.” Now, after 9/11, we hear about them all the time. I can only suspect that this is not because the number of unruly passengers has skyrocketed, but rather because of semantic changes in what constitutes a “threat” on an airplane today. Before 9/11 it was practically nobody. After 9/11, it was everyone who missed a dosage of Zoloft.

Finally, asking for rights to be rescinded right after they’ve been restored is bad form and horrible in principle. Since when does the Federal Government ever restore rights after they take them away? So, Hell just froze over and you’re actually trying to fight it? Restoring rights previously usurped is the kind of behavior that we need to encourage, no matter how asinine the arbitration that got us there was. I get it that little knives in the hands of Saudi terrorists actually brought down the Twin Towers, but if the TSA think they’re no longer a threat, let them deal with it.

Sincerely,

Commandante Wood

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