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Fuck You Royally with a Pineapple, Lobster Middlemen!


I know this isn’t important in the whole scheme of the much larger mission to bring down the TSA with armies of men OD-ing on Viagra while wearing sweatpants, and I have a deep desire to comment on Anne Marie Slaughter’s recent piece in The Atlantic, but some shit has gone just a little too far (again), and I have to comment on it because it’s yet another microcosmic, “death-by-1,000-cuts” example of how businesses (employers) are the enemy, and how they continue to fuck us even when times are good for them.

Tax the businesses more for the environmental damage they cause? You’re getting fucked. Require businesses to provide healthcare to the employees, and yes, those fuckings will only be passed on to the consumer. Give businesses a dirty look? Yep, the customer will be fucked. Fart in the direction of a business? Fuck the customer! Supply deficiencies? Fuck the customer! Supply excesses? Fuck the customer!

So this year, Maine lobster prices are at an all-time low because of a glut of lobster on the Atlantic coast. Prices as lower than $2.99/lb. are being given to lobster fishermen for their catch on the docks. The lobstermen are all worried about how they’re going to pay for diesel, buy new traps, and otherwise keep the lights on for their businesses.

“I went to school,” you think. “I know that when supply increases dramatically and there’s nothing to increase demand, prices drop, right?” Nope. Not for you or me. Prices have dropped only for processing plants and distributors. I waltzed into a local shop in my city that sells live Maine lobster, and the best I could do was $17.99/lb–the price they always charge there. I told the proprietor I was absolutely aware how low the prices were on the docks. He told me with a straight face that FedEx was eating up all his profits, as if they had suddenly raised the prices just on shipping lobster in preparation for the glut. The douchebag (Katharine Q. Seelye) who wrote the Times article I linked to above even said “The reasons are complex, and it is not clear who is benefiting [from the record low prices on lobsters].” Are you fucking kidding me?

Let me take a fantastically ridiculous and wild guess, Ms. Seelye, something you were apparently unable to do in your piece: THE FUCKING MIDDLEMEN ARE BENEFITING!!!!!!!!! That would be your grocery store, lobster processing plants, fishmongers, and lobster distributors. These bottom-of-the-barrel assholes that feed on other assholes for mere survival would rather lobster stay at $18/lb. or more and rot…than sell it to people too poor to traditionally afford lobster by lowering the price a few smidgeons.

So, here’s the equation, laid out in math form:

Lobster Cheap = Broke Fisherpeople

Lobster Cheap = Cheap to Process, Distribute, and Sell

While the next step in the logical flow should be:

Lobster Cheap = Prices for Consumers are Low

Alas, it’s:

Lobster Cheap = Prices for Consumers are Still as High as Normal

That singles out step two above as identifying the obvious victors of this situation.

Now, for the consumer (dear sweet Audience of One who continues to read this), if your fishmonger isn’t willing to haggle on the price of lobster, FUCK THEM! Write them bad Yelp reviews, tell Angie’s List, Tweet about it, until they…let us eat lobster. Fuck cake.

When the distributors and vendors of an awesome product from the ocean would rather let it rot than lower the prices on it at a time when food prices are high and people are hungry, they should be the ones rotting.

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