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Fuck You Very Much, Dr. Afridi


Why would anyone help the U.S. capture or kill an international terrorist? Shakil Afridi was sentenced to 33 years in prison yesterday in Peshawar for conspiring against the state by running a false vaccination program that allowed the U.S. to kill Osama Bin Laden. Why didn’t the U.S. disappear him and his family to a tropical island paradise somewhere in the South Pacific before this?

Oh, wait. All the tropical island paradises of the South Pacific are slowly being swallowed by the ocean because of climate change. Moreover, Dr. Afridi was no longer of any use to the U.S. Government because Osama was already dead. Perhaps the Government was even ungrateful to Dr. Afridi, because with Osama dead, the goals of the Neverending War of Terror that justifies the current restrictions on civil liberties in the U.S. would be unclear. Finally, Obama is probably chickenshit about Pakistan attacking India with a swarm of misfiring and misguided nukes.

I’d like to focus this analysis on the second two reasons above, as I have no doubts that the U.S. could find a safe harbor for Dr. Afridi and his family, and the possibility of Pakistan starting a global thermonuclear war with India with their arsenal because they’re mad at the U.S. is probably still pretty low, despite the fact that Pakistan is the scariest failed state to own nukes since Russia. But honestly I don’t think that terrorists even want to end the world. It would remove them of opportunities to commit acts of terror and prevent them from raping their livestock, enemies, and violators of sharia

So, Dr. Afridi is in jail because Osama is already dead, making Dr. Afridi no longer of use to the U.S. Government, and Dr. Afridi took away a substantial reason that the NSA and TSA and DHS all exist by giving the armed forces enough information to kill the Bad Guy who was supposedly so nefarious that we had to spend billions of dollars and substantially sacrifice our freedoms in order to protect ourselves from Him. The raid on Osama’s compound showed us that the Big Bad Wolf was nothing but a prisoner to his couriers, the room that he dwelled in, Pepsi, and porn. All these years and resources and mountains of money to kill that stupid stoner?, you think.

So fuck you very much, Dr. Afridi. You helped the wrong country under the guise of ending an international instigator of evil. Next time, bet on the winning horse with good sportsmanship. Do you really think the U.S. would do anything to save your dumb ass? We hardly even try to get our citizens home when they break laws in other countries (not to mention when they’re home we arrest them for everything), and you are not even a citizen. You see, the pact made between the owners of the U.S. and its political leaders prevents helpful private individuals from ever being recognized or protected unless they’re supremely wealthy. Don’t you know that if we really cared about getting Osama it wouldn’t have taken so long? Don’t you also know that we never stick up for anyone unless we absolutely have to (e.g., WWII)? You might take care of your own or your allies in Pakistan, but in the U.S. they’re merely exploited. Consider yourself colonized.

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