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Zombie Defense Initiatives: An Artifact of the Unnecessary Expansion of Executive Powers

Somebody from a PAC called me the other day and asked me if I wanted to support Obama in 2012, and I started laughing hysterically. I told them that I probably would leave that part unanswered on the ballot in November or write in Charlie Sheen, because there is no presidential candidate on the campaign trail who stands a chance of being elected who could remotely represent me, as I am neither powermonger, millionaire, nor populist sellout. Moreover, I am not someone who would back a guy who compromised his ethical belief system once the heads of the CIA told him what was really going on. You see, Obama promised things on the campaign trail that he has not delivered. Closing Guantanamo. Ending torture and black-ops to get intel. Allowing states that have voter-approved medical marijuana initiatives to chart their own course. Something vague about and then one day growing a pair of balls for gay marriage as a result of his “evolving” views. Limiting the Presidential overreach that was the hallmark of George W. Bush’s term. Just like any other douche who wants to get re-elected once he found out that these things might make him unpopular with some people he ran his ideology over with a semi truck. Romney has done the same through the years, which is why everyone calls him a “flip flopper.” The fact is that without selling out your system of personal ethics at some point (either through becoming a millionaire so you can run for president, by taking office and vying for re-election, or by buckling to handlers who you feel have a better grasp of what is really going on once you are elected), you simply don’t get to be the Most Powerful Man on Earth.

Yaay! I get to bust my balls so I can destroy my own belief system because I think I’m actually good enough to be the Leader of the Land! People who run for President are even more narcissistic than those who write blogs, and anyone who would aspire to achieve moral disintegration should be automatically disqualified from entering the race. Anyone capable of being President is therefore not actually qualified to hold the highest office of the land and represent the majority of Americans.

Last night I dreamed that Mitt Romney was crying because I suggested that I be his speech writer (they could have been tears of “Holy crap!”, but in the dream I interpreted them as tears of joy). I woke up this morning thinking “What do I have to write about him?” and being in a panic, because writing speeches for Romney would be the 5th level of Hell, only slightly worse than writing speeches for Mr. Hope and Change who has left me in despair after four years and only changed the fact that a black man can now be President (and I’m not even sure that was truly his accomplishment, although the Nobel Committee doubtless surmised otherwise).

At this point the two people who read this blog out of obligation to me are cursing, because the title of this post promised something about zombies. Here it is: The President should be afraid of people who are worried about the zombie apocalypse,  and not just because the latter probably had bad science teachers who would not take class time out to discuss zombie virology for fear of detracting from the teaching of the federally-mandated standardized test.

The sum of zombie virology is as follows: there’s no such thing. Anything that destroys your brain enough to make you eat crow (human flesh must be just as bad, considering the comparable amount of garbage we eat) will also prevent you from being able to run people down and kill them. The best possibility we have to instigate the zombie apocalypse with currently known pathogens is to inoculate a bunch of people with mad cow/CJD and then sneak them baking soda to induce alkalosis and slow the progression of the disease. Nothing in that equation would engender the desire for these ultimate jellied masses of twitching nerves and muscle to eat human flesh at any point. In plain English, even if you went to extreme lengths, there’s no such thing as a Zombiepoc (short for Zombie Apocalypse) disease. (“Awwww. I wanted to die in the jaws of a zombie,” you sigh.)

So this leaves us with the zombie conspiracy theorists, ammo and weapons stockpilers, and contributors to many an online message board about how to survive and defend yourself from the impending Thing That Is Not Going to Happen (Zombiepoc). Why? Are they just dumb? Are these people whose fathers never taught them how to hunt, and having a weapons cache makes them feel more manly? They doubtless buy more karambits and pistol crossbows than the rest of the population and secretly run shuriken and sword canes across state lines. Really? Are they just a bunch of PTSD’d former marines from the last two wars of choice our Presidents made them fight? Or….

Maybe these are men and women of letters who hail from hallowed halls of learning. Maybe they’re more rational, sane, or sober than the rest of us. Maybe they’re well aware that theories that are impossible to be proved also can’t be disproved and should be rejected out of hand due to having exquisite philosophical training. I’ve been thinking about these zombie people ever since I noticed that gun shops in the last couple years have been stocking a whole lot of zombie targets, seemingly out of nowhere.

Nevermind the post-2008 inaugural run on ammo that made 12-gauge and other popular cartridges hard to come by because fearful right-wingers thought Obama would take away their guns because of his “…bitter…cling to guns and religion” comment about poor rural people he made in Pennsylvania while on the stump. I don’t think he’s dumb enough to usurp the 2nd Amendment in light of all the other Amendments that the Patriot Act has made null and void. He was, however, dumb enough to let DEA agents close dozens of dispensaries where I live, amounting to at least 2,000 jobs being terminated in my city center alone during the worst recession since the Great Depression.

But suppose the Zombie Defender Militia is completely sane? Suppose these aren’t concerns about actual zombies, but metaphorical “zombies.” That’s right. Shambling humans that don’t think but just act blindly. People who do what they’re told regardless of how much disdain their boss has for freedom, light, and human life. The same people who do what they’re told even though they clock in every day for 8 hours of subverting the constitutional rights of their fellow citizens (because they had the audacity to board an airplane, for instance). You know. Those folks who would shut down an airport terminal because a baby makes it through the security checkpoints but let a man who put three different pieces of his semi-auto .45 into three separate stuffed animals in his child’s carryon travel through virtually unobstructed.

Now this lunatic fringe of American life is starting to make sense: Dick Cheney is the King Zombie, overreach of the executive branch sends the zombies after us (TSA on subways, buses, trolleys, anywhere including airports; Utah Data Center; etc.), and the preparation for the Zombiepoc is all about protecting ourselves from the Gestapo of the 21st century.

I think these people might be smarter than the rest of us. Using zombies as an allegory will never put them on the “no-fly” list, nor will they ever have to deal with the ever-expanding label of “terrorist,” which will allow the U.S. Government to do whatever the Hell they want with them at all times. (The word “terrorist” even enables us to wage perpetual wars that we’re incapable of winning, leaving our country in a perpetual state of hemorrhaging taxpayer money.) And now the House wants to cut social services and leave the military unscathed when all of us have to tighten our belts, in part because our government can’t get it together to come up with a definition of “terrorist” that ultimately doesn’t require nation-building?

I think now is the time in American history that we have to start asking ourselves “What is it about our country that makes them so mad they feel they have to blast themselves junk first in order to maybe kill a handful of us?”.

Anyway, as for the “zombie” hunters, hunt on! I have the deepest respect for the ruse. Your stockpiles will be necessary someday if Eisenhower was correct.


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