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The Utah Data Center and You: Big Brother’s Cynical and Paranoid New Home


Dumbasses. Really? A centralized computer facility on the outskirts of Bluffdale, Utah designed to collect ALL electronic communications both inside the U.S. and entering and leaving the U.S.? See, a centralized facility gives a place for the Occupy Wall Streeters to target, stymie, dismantle during the revolution, etc., in addition to a single place for Anonymous to try to worm into repeatedly until it is no longer secure.

“But all my emails use the Advanced Encryption Standard with 128 bit encryption. That would take 340 undecillion trial-and-error attempts to decode, and take most computers longer than the age of the universe to figure out,” you retort. Ahhh, but the NSA will start collecting ALL digital communications as soon as the Utah Data Center is opened and then wait for supercomputers to be developed that are fast enough to de-encrypt them in an afternoon…or even a few minutes. Hence the NSA’s goal to create the world’s fastest exascale supercomputer by 2018, a beast that can perform one quintillion operations per second or more. Japan’s K Computer already can perform almost 11 trillion operations per second, and China’s Tianhe-1A can do slightly over 2.5 trillion operations per second, and since these types of computers can do awesome things like predict the course of markets, our future economic wealth depends on us having one faster than everyone else’s, spawning a computing speed arms race between U.S. and everyone else who has a more awesome supercomputer.

Not only will such speedy machines be able to predict markets (and how good will that do us when our populist politicians routinely ignore science and mountains of data and evidence in order to get re-elected?), but they, of course, will serve other purposes, too, such as helping the NSA to spy on every American citizen without a judge-approved warrant for a wiretap. (Similar to how the TSA focuses entirely on American citizens under the ruse of protecting our country from foreign aggressors.) How paranoid does our government have to be to make a $2 billion facility that collects EVERYTHING, especially when the first revelations will be about conversations that were had months or years ago? There used to never be enough money to pay all the assholes you’d have to pay to sift through mountains of American drivel and doggerel to find the one or two quasi-seditionist emails or cell phone conversations in the entire steaming pile. But now that we have computers to take care of all that (who incidentally don’t have to be paid overtime, or at all) that can do trillions of operations at a time, Big Brother will see the revolution coming long before folks breathe word of it on the streets. In the near future, we will have only our 300 million-strong bodies to gum up the machinery born of the dystopian merger between the military/industrial- and the technoindustrial complex.

Oh yes, and this is all happening in a nation with supposedly free speech. Sure, you’re free to talk all you want here, but you can’t yell “Fire!” in a crowded theater, threaten specific lives (particularly the President’s), or write a blog easily traceable to yourself chock-full of unvarnished political opinions and keep a job. Speak freely all you want, but one day you’ll be taken to jail over your “right” or subject to undue government harassment, and at that point, we truly hope you can afford an awesome lawyer and a bodyguard. You’re every bit as free as the Constitution says you are if you are wealthy enough to do the latter.

Dumbasses. Fucking Eisenhower warned us about this kind of shit happening, like 50 years ago. Why would Obama continue W.’s Total Information Awareness program unless he drank the paranoid Kool-Aid? (Wait. We have drugs that make you paranoid. If Obama and W. are both total stoners or tweakers that might explain a lot.)

“Blah, blah, blah,” says Romney, Santorum, whomever. “I definitely will put Coke in the public drinking fountains once I am elected. I know I can say this on the stump because I can turn my back on every promise I make here–every President does. Once I take my oath of office, the NSA, the DHS, and the CIA will step in, tell me who killed Kennedy and what’s really going on, I’ll violently and explosively crap my pants and start greying, and then…do everything they tell me to. Data center for our goons that will be mostly used to hurt American citizens years down the road? Sure. Oh, you want an oil pipeline dividing the nation so that Canada can continue converting Alberta into a EPA superfund site because its oil sands are the most costly and environmentally devastating way to get petroleum? Ok, but I gotta pretend that it’s not a good idea at first, you know, for my base. We have to recriminalize state-approved medical marijuana so that the cartels we like can continue making money? Fine. You say I can’t close Guantanamo because it has too many innocent people in it that we don’t know what to do with? I promised that, but if you insist…”

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