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Coming Soon to a Bus Station Near You: More Fondling of Your Junk

So now that I’ve defined the problem (the TSA) and how to deal with them in airports (Viagra and sweatpants), it has come to my attention that they’re extending their 4th Amendment abuses far outside the airport. Check out this new low:


Yaay! Having the privilege of being a citizen of the U.S. now affords you to have opportunities to have your junk felt up at bus stations, train stations, trolleys, and subways. The Cult of the Motherfondlers is growing stronger by the day. Let me put this in perspective: they have jobs requiring them to take oaths to uphold the Constitution, during which they routinely violate 4th Amendment rights, look at people naked, AND commit acts on strangers that in a slightly different context would require them to wear an ankle bracelet in all 50 States. Oh sure, you argue: Human beings actually hold these jobs. That anyone in this country would sign up for any TSA post is testimonial to the stark failure of the American educational system.

Here’s what doubtless happened to the people who work for the TSA. Seeing opportunity post-9/11 they were stuck between jobs and realized that the Government, in its frenzied state of fearmongering, would give them one. Good move. They went to work, and it looked like what they were doing was working, as there were no attacks on U.S. soil since the advent of their organization. Those capable of living in denial convinced themselves that the ends justified the means. The rest of them got hit with subprime mortgages and other debts and were locked into a job that their consciences rejected but the situations of their lives demanded they continue. This is exactly how the technoindustrial complex sucks you in, making you its slave, forcing you to abort your ideology and reject your morality, leaving you in a percolating puddle of ethical vicissitudes, rationalizations, and the liminal state of lacking coherence and integrity. The market busts the idealism of the romantic and the bank account of the meek and makes monsters out of people who used to be men. This is why your childhood self would kick your adult self’s ass if he were here today and strong enough. This is also why Rastafarians live apart from the grind, like St. Anthony (who was torn asunder by devils, by the way).

So, the TSA ARE people, but they have lost their way so profoundly (or never had one to begin with) that they no longer understand what it is to be American. There is a catch-22 hiding in all this: in order to want to be a TSA agent, you have to be willing to ignore the rights of American citizens…which should preclude you from getting to be a TSA agent. This trend is pervasive, as anyone narcissistic enough to think that he’d make a great Leader of the Free World also shouldn’t be one, necessarily disqualifying all presidential candidates. (This probably is also true for people narcissistic enough to write blogs.) People who major in classics or archaeology or art history and become antiquities dealers (like, all of them) are only using their training to fence stolen goods. Anyone who wants to teach in a public school who is dumb enough to put up with all the bullshit that being a public school teacher entails (more is coming down the pike) for that kind of pay probably shouldn’t be trusted alone with your children. No one becomes a school principal for being a decent person. Anyone who wants to be a police officer is probably too much of a dick to be a good one (really? in a “free” nation, how many “What can we get him on” conversations have you heard on Cops–also we’re the jailingest nation on earth). I’m sure most firemen even have an affinity for fire. Catch my drift?

Imagine being Henry VIII with 2012 sensibilities and humanity (you are a sentient being, not a TSA agent) and writing the job description clearly detailing what Cromwell needed to do for the REAL Henry VIII. Anyone rapacious enough to respond to that ad you wouldn’t want to hire, because your gut would upset you about it. Now, imagine you are some douchy, 21-st century H.R. manager with no people skills who thinks “ethics” are just about being a prude in the workplace. You’d hire Cromwell in a second because his infinite moral malleability would make him a dynamite employee. Plus, all the Irishmen he slew would reduce your company’s healthcare premiums by diminishing the percentage of employees who were alcoholics.

Is there anyone left who’s made out of gold and can’t be sold? Definitely not TSA agents. And they’re not getting enough gold to be sold the way Uncle Sam is turning them out.

Do we now have to wear sweatpants and take Viagra EVERYWHERE we go because no one gives a shit about the principles under which this country is organized anymore?

What if the next time TSA shows up unannounced at a place where they haven’t desensitized the public into thinking that flouting the Constitution is ok, someone stands up and says NO! Not to their mere presence, of course, but if they start searching bags just because people are on a train or a subway a unified public presence might start to send a stronger message. Strangers need to do things and accomplish goals together more often, after all, this is how friendships are made. What if someone (or many people) had stuck up for the students from Mexico, on their way to high school in the U.S., when the TSA deported them for being on a trolley? Well, the TSA CAN kick you off the train for not submitting to their illegal searches, but nothing prevents you from boarding again on the very next stop.

To stymie or thwart the TSA VIPR program, we may need more than Viagra and sweatpants. If Anonymous can eavesdrop on FBI conversations, maybe they can find out when the “random” TSA VIPR searches will be taking place, and we can ALL come in our sweatpants, doped up with Viagra (double entendre intended) and insist on being patted down, just to make sure everyone is safe. Making a mockery peppered with a little infinite regress for long enough is a guaranteed system buster.

But what about an App that allows you to find alternate transportation when the TSA kicks you off of something? What about flashmobbing the TSA and confusing the hell out of them when they show up at Amtrak unannounced? I sense an emerging market for personal RF blockers that keep these Gestapo from being able to communicate with one another and thus report their paranoia.

I’m not trying to minimize the threat of terrorism, but most terrorist organizations are run by incompetent boobs. Colonel Klink would be a hero among them. This is why terrorists don’t kill people that much–the last time I checked, we are 7 billion strong, and over 1 billion of us don’t even have access to potable water (dehydration can kill you in 3 days). Extensively drug resistant TB is truly scary, so is malaria, heart disease, diabetes, and lung cancer. All of these things knock out more people than terrorists ever will, and most of them could be greatly reduced with arguably fewer restrictions of civil liberties. Moreover, no structure would need to exist fabricating diseases (or threats) once their target was wiped out or diminished to acceptable levels.

And no, I subscribe to no nut-job conspiracy theories that are impossible to prove about how 9/11 was an “inside job.” It was just a convenient excuse for the government to overstep its bounds because hawks in the Bush administration thought Orwell’s 1984 was a cool “How to” manual instead of a desperate warning.


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