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Welcome to the Viagra Sweatpants Revolution!


I am writing this blog with the vain hope that someday, someone will read it and know what to do with this information. This blog is inspired by the following news story, which I believe to be the only way that we can seize our 4th amendment Constitutional rights back from the TSA:

http://thewashingtonfancy.com/2011/09/18/man-takes-viagra-wears-sweatpants-for-tsa-pat-down/1500

For those of you unfamiliar with the TSA, it is the U.S.A.’s own wing of France’s WWII Vichy government. It is one branch of U.S. government that operates outside of the Constitution, and its officials appear exempt from public scrutiny or lawsuits for going to work and violating the rights of people all day, every day. The TSA is how Osama Bin Laden, dead as he may be, has actually won the War of/on Terror.

Forged in the paranoid days following the 9/11 attacks and legitimized by the Patriot Act, the TSA is an agency that won’t simply go away when or if America finally “wins” the War on Terror. Instead, this apparatus, molded in the KGB’s own image, will only be turned on innocent American (and other) citizens if the credible terror threats ever disappear.

To be clear, I have no hatred of TSA employees, who have families to support and bills to pay just like anyone else. But if their organization exists for the sole purpose of searching people without probable cause or reasonable suspicion, and yet the TSA employees have to take an oath to protect the Constitution (like all government employees), then those who work for the TSA are violating their oath and should be fired. Also, any American citizen who wantonly works for such an organization signed up to be a member of the wrong country. With a level of moral ambiguity that would allow them to even entertain doing what they do for a living (all day long), TSA officials would be much happier in Russia, China, Singapore, Iran, or any number of countries that do not even pretend (on paper) to have civil liberties. I don’t hate TSA agents. I just hate everything they stand for, the space they operate in, the ground they walk on, and that being an American should be a privilege, not a right granted to people who don’t understand that boarding an airplane does not constitute probable cause.

In the name of protecting American freedoms, the TSA has subjected men, women, and children to dehumanizing searches that involve fondling of sensitive body parts by total strangers and drastically increased the radiation dosages of anyone dumb enough submit to Rapiscan (emphasis on “rape”) backscatting technology. The number of folks who end up terminally ill with cancer because of this excessive radiation exposure will doubtless dwarf any number of individuals who could have been killed by terrorists by smuggling contraband through an airport during the same time period.

Lest we forget any further about what America is and should be about, let’s refresh our memories on the 4th Amendment to the Constitution:

‘The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.’

As it’s clearly spelled out here, in order to search any American citizen, you must have a warrant that specifically describes the person (or place) being searched, what is to be seized, and this can only be provided after establishing probable cause.

I know I hinted at this already, but since when does merely boarding a commercial aircraft constitute probable cause? I guess I need not mention that those boarding private aircraft are not subject to the same TSA searches.

The suspension of 4th Amendment rights in U.S. airports is merely a tiny example of how metastasizing government is eroding our rights, just as acid rain caused by airline emissions is eroding the Jefferson Memorial in D.C.. But I want to start small, to see if we can take back what the Founding Fathers granted us in this one minute case.

This particular effort to resecure freedoms that Americans once took for granted is going to have to rely on men mostly, although transsexuals with masculine apparatus and those who are intersexed (enough to sport visible wood) are certainly invited. All we’ll need is Viagra or Cialis prescriptions and sweatpants (and I think Obamacare coincidentally has provisions for the former). If you read the above link, freedom fighter Warren Kelvin was able to get one TSA official to retire after his stunt.

If all of us who are thusly equipped can get just one TSA official to retire each time we go to an airport, no one will want to work for the TSA anymore.

“But these are human beings, just like you and I,” you might argue. Untrue, because I am a Hun. Also, YOU would never sign up for a job in which you had to feel people up all day long and look at near-naked x-rays of them, all while usurping their Constitutional rights. Even male gynecologists aren’t that creepy and morally retarded. Anyone who works for the Government and takes away our Constitutional rights is not part of the America that you or I believe in. If the TSA is going to embarrass and demoralize us while we go through security, make them share in our pain and humility. After all, they don’t care about the reasons why the United States exists, as demonstrated by their paranoiac career choices.

“But if it’s unacceptable to you, then just don’t fly.” And if having surveillance cameras on every street corner (as in Britain) recording every public doing is too much of an invasion of privacy for you, just don’t go outside ever again. Really? Are either of these practical solutions? So, when grandma dies, you’re going to just miss her funeral because you’re morally opposed to willingly having your rights violated and driving to her city would put you there after the funeral was over? The airlines have us by the balls without a high speed transcontinental railway and they know it; anyone who tells you “just don’t fly if you don’t like it” should just quit their job because THEY invariably do not like IT (watch ’em squirm when you try their own argument out on them). What a load of crap! (Yes, I find the irony here, because I’d like TSA agents to quit their jobs en masse.)

So, the TSA are harbingers of the fall of the U.S.A.. So was torture under the last Presidential administration. So is the Patriot Act. As are the reasons why I feel the need to write this anonymously from a country where free speech is supposedly protected. Red light cameras. Corporations becoming people. Searching people for decades just because of the color(s) of their skin. Innocents who are executed. This is not just about papercuts, white slavery, and Dutch Elm disease. One of these problems can probably be solved simply, with loads of Viagra and sweatpants.

Every time we stray from the common vision and the freedoms that unite us all together, we undermine what it means to be American. With the knowledge, humanity, and science of the 21st century, you’d think we’d become slightly more capable of ridding the transgressions that have always constituted an uncomfortably large portion of our history.

Luckily, Viagra and sweatpants are still not illegal, and nor is going commando while wearing a kilt. So, there you have it, Big Brother: restrict the liberties, we just get more creative (see: Mexican Drug Tunnels). How will the TSA catch anything now that Al-Qaeda is planning to sew bombs up inside people? Will I have to get an fMRI before boarding the plane in 2013, or will a simple surgical abdominal cavity search suffice? Doubtless the airlines will finagle a way to make the traveler pay for the scalpel. We owe it to Enlightenment itself to not let the country that is most nominally “free” slide down these thorny and slippery slopes.

P.S.: How come the link on the TSA’s own website about their Office of Civil Rights and Liberties (scroll down and read it) doesn’t work anymore? Hmmm.

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